New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
