guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
