I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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