it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
