Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
