i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
