I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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