Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
