Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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