This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
