i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
