In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
