I'd wear matching sweaters with you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
