i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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