what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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