remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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