I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
