He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
