he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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