ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
