He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
