Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
