he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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