also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
