Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
