We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
