she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
