When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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