i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
