I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
