I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
