Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
