I got chris browned last night
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
