i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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