Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
