Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
