jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
