tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
