did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
