I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
