I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
