I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
