why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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