I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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