I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
