And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
