I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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