Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
