Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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