there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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